Amanda's Advice
Overwhelming Series Of Stressful Events
Dear Amanda,
I am in a relationship of 2 years duration with a divorced man with 3 children ( mostly with their mum).
I have 2 children with me. At the time when we met I was quite traumatised having lost my father 3 months prior after a sudden illness. My husband from whom I had separated 8 months earlier after he developed an acute psychiatric illness was ill and died unexpectedly 2 months into this new relationship.
In addition I had several other traumas including the critical scalding of my toddler and a serious motor vehicle accident during that year. All of these incidents were unexpected, uncontrollable and invoked a lot of fear. In retrospect I put a great deal of faith in this new partner who supported me through my husband's death and I fell in love too quickly. He went overseas 6 weeks after the death on a trip which was supposedly to refresh him after his own traumatic separation. He was very stressed. I was devastated when he phoned infrequently having thought that he was in love with me and more so on receiving a phone call hours before I was to pick him up at the station from the American woman he had met on the internet and had in fact gone to meet and spent the 6 weeks travelling with.
A very traumatic period followed of reconciliation - him declaring it to be a mistake and severing contact with her and we began the healing process. I expected a lot of myself in this - more than I have been able to deliver. I am ashamed to say that our relationship has now become threatened by my behaviour which has been fearful, suspicious and controlling really. I began snooping and spying, breaching his privacy and checking his e-mail etc - very out of character for me and it almost became an obsessive pursuit to find more skeletons in his closet before any could fall out and destroy me. I need to stop this now - he has shown no evidence of any further deceit in 18 months and I am driving him away with the lack of trust - he is at his wit's end.
Is it a matter of restraint and cognitive -rational techniques to quell the fear and resist acting on it? It is not rational. I am losing patience with myself,and although it has begun to ease, he is past humouring this any further. Please send some advice.
- Mrs E.
Dear Mrs E.,
You have made a pretty good analysis of the situation. The enormity and number of unforeseen, uncontrollable stressful events which have impacted upon you in the last two years cannot be underestimated as contributors to your current behaviours. It is all very well that your partner took his time out in order to recover (disregarding his behaviour during that time!). What about you? I imagine as a mother of two children you don't get a lot of time for yourself!
Now is the time for you to take some time for yourself - to grieve the deaths of two significant men in your life, to deal with the emotions associated with trauma to your child and of car accidents. Only when you have turned inwards to care for and nurture yourself will you, I suspect, be able to calm down about his lack of caring for you at a critical time - and start living for today and tomorrow rather than the past.
I suspect your snooping and suspiciousness is related to your need to feel safe. But only you can be ultimately responsible for your own safety, and that will happen when you take the time to heal your own wounds.
Psychological assistance can be obtained either through contacting the Armchair Psychology Practice through the website, or phoning 02 93623490. If you live outside Sydney, contact the Australian Psychological Society referral service, and request a referral to a Clinical Psychologist. Phone: 1800 333497.
If you would like a personal reply from Amanda , please could you ensure that you include your email address details
previous | ^ top | amanda's advice | next