Amanda's Advice
Problems With Sister
Dear Amanda,
My family has endured years of distress due to the behaviour of my older sister. It began when we were little children, and she took great pleasure in humiliating and shaming me, and she continues now with this same abusive behaviour towards her own children. My family have experienced much distress at her coldness and cruelty in relationships with some very nice men, and of course we have been devastated with her behaviour towards her children - four, to three different fathers.
Her partners over the years have all experienced her deceptive flirtation to begin with suggesting loving warmth and desire only to find in a short time they are involved with a woman who can turn emotion on and off depending on whether they have done as she wishes. Often her partners/ friends believe everything she tells them until the day they really annoy her and then she can discard people with ease. She is extremely clever …
My current concern is the problems that she is causing for her 18 year old, who is planning her marriage. My sister is bad-mouthing her to her new family, as well as to the minister, and is taking control of all the aspects of her life. My niece tried to slash her wrists in the last twelve months, in her desperation for her mother's love, and all that happened was that her mother told her she had no right, because she was a Christian. (My sister has one suicide attempt to her own name, I should add). Since my sister has become involved with the Church, she seems to be fooling all her new friends by helping out in the youth group, etc, while her own children are craving ordinary contact.
I understand that my sister suffered terribly as a child when Mum had a breakdown and all four of us children were left with our paternal grandmother. She openly disliked my sister and turned her older brother against her. The trauma my sister received caused Mum to take her to the doctors because she froze while walking down the street following one of grandma's verbal attacks on her. Her legs couldn't move. She was only about 4 or 5. The doctor said it was emotional not physical. Mum went into hospital for three months and God knows what grandma did to my sister. My father was away. Soon after Mum and Dad took us away from there but I think the damage was done.
My concern is for her children - for my niece desperate for a mother's love, and planning her own wedding while her Mum interferes and badmouths her to her new in-laws, the 11 year old who is not coping at school despite his obvious intelligence, the 5 year old boy who is jittery, sullen, redfaced and almost couldn't start school because he couldn't concentrate, and the little girl who is almost three.
Please help me. I do forgive my sister. I cry for that little girl that got hurt so bad. I don't blame her for becoming something she didn't mean to become or choose to be. I feel she has lost so much in her life already. I just want all this hurting to stop.
- Tricia
Dear Tricia,
What generosity of spirit you have shown, to move past the hurt she has caused you in your life, and to have reached some understanding of the undoubted pain she was in throughout her childhood, as a result of your parents' absence and her needs not being met by her grandmother. You can clearly see things that your sister is blind to. I guess she was jealous of you as a child, and hoped that if you were miserable she would feel better - but it obviously didn't work. In many such situations, sisters would just remove themselves - but it sounds as if you are from a family that cares, and will not leave the next generation to suffer. The previous counsellors whom you have consulted were trying to protect you when they said to distance yourself. It sounds like you know that you are okay, though, and would prefer to help your nieces and nephews.
It truly is difficult, though, when your sister continues to try to undermine you in the eyes of her children and of other people. You have to be thick-skinned to put up with this.
The best thing you can do for your niece is what you have been doing up until now - showing her that you care and are available to her - that nothing is so bad that you can't cope with it, that you understand her love for her mother and won't try to get in the way of her receiving that love. However, modelling assertive behaviour, in which you know your own value and will not be treated badly is also a very important thing for you to do, as your niece may start to think better of herself and value her own life, no matter what her mother says, if you - who clearly know that you are of value - can value her for herself, too.
Despite your sister's record of cutting people off, you two do still have a relationship of sorts, and for the children's sake it is important that you do what you can to maintain it. Perhaps having the younger children stay with you during the holidays, and encouraging your children to stay in touch with their cousins, could help. Being a listener to your sister and showing understanding if she expresses problems in parenting could help the two of you understand each other better.
There are unfortunately some things we can't fix, even though it would not be right to not try. As long as you continue to behave in a loving manner as an auntie and a sister, and remain true to your own values, you will be doing the best any human can expect to do. Keep on loving.
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